Binoculars. Everything started with binoculars. Raised voices beckoned me from my breakfast-clean-up-duty, and when I arrived on scene, I saw Simone and Addie negotiating the shared use of a set of homemade binoculars made from repurposed cardboard tubes. Let me add that the negotiations were heated, and moving from unproductive to counterproductive in rapid fashion.
In the heat of the moment, I understand de-escalating is critically important and so I sing. The song goes like this:
I see friends who need to solve a problem
need to solve a problem
need to solve a problem
I see friends who need to solve a problem
How can I help?
Song often reaches where voices cannot, and amidst these passionately (and loudly!) voiced opinions about exactly whose turn it is to have the binoculars, the song catches the ear. Its melody is simple and constant – a refrain that interrupts the escalating cycle of strong emotions allowing for space to think critically and problem solve. In the heat of an emotional moment the brain simply cannot access the places necessary for such thinking, so song reaches in and taps the emotional core and whispers, Take a breath. You can solve problems with words. You know how.
Song serves the second and equally important function of keeping me emotionally in check. If the child’s problem becomes my problem or if it touches my emotional triggers, I am less helpful in the solution finding process. Too invested, I become irritable (I was cleaning up after breakfast, and I can’t do that with so many interruptions!), impatient (Didn’t we solve this same problem yesterday???), and commanding (Addie had it first. Simone, give it back!). The power of singing in the moment of heated emotions is that it reminds me that this challenge between Simone and Addie is not about me but about friends navigating their own strong emotions in relationship to shared space and possessions. They need my model, and what I chose to model is key.
At this moment, my hands reach gently for the binoculars and I hold them without taking them. I prevent sole ownership by either child while we negotiate. Removing the small hands that grip the binoculars would be counterproductive; I know that if I force my agenda by taking the binoculars, I have just modeled how to take toys away from a friend which is precisely the issue at hand. Still, a gentle physical presence to neutralize the binoculars while we problem solve gives each child the freedom to speculate and dream about creative solutions, assured that their voices will be heard and their needs respected.
Me: “I see two friends who both want to use the binoculars. What could we do?”
Simone: “We could share.”
Me: “Sharing means two friends using the binoculars at the same time.”
Addie: “We could take turns.”
Me: “One friend takes a turn, then the other friend takes a turn. Any other ideas?”
Simone: “We could take turns.”
Me: “It sounds like both girls want to take turns. Who should go first?”
Addie: “I will go first.”
Me: “Addie will go first, and Simone will go second. Simone, does that work for you?”
Simone: “No, that not work for me. I go first, Addie go second.”
Me: “Simone will go first, and Addie will go second. Addie, does that work for you?”
Addie: “No.”
Me: “It sounds like we have two friends who want to go first. Sometimes I like to have something to do while I wait. Can either of you think of something that your friend might enjoy while she waits for a turn with the binoculars? Simone, what do you think Addie might like to do while she waits?”
Simone looks around the room and finds Addie’s favorite stuffed animal. The key to solving problems is being able to see the situation through the other person’s shoes — empathy and perspective taking — and Simone knows what Addie would enjoy. She knows that Addie will not agree to the plan if the compromise is for an undesirable toy!
Simone: [to Addie] “Umm…you want the pig?”
Addie: “No.”
Me: “Addie, maybe you can find something Simone would like to use while she waits?”
Addie also looks for something that Simone loves. She is keenly aware of the reality that her needs can only be met in the context of everyone’s needs being met. She pulls a dress from the dress up area. Simone loves to dance.
Addie: [to Simone] “You like to wear this dress?”
Simone: “Umm, nope.”
To truly negotiate this problem will take time – and it does. The two go back and forth for a good 5-6 minutes, finding toys that might serve as a back up during the non-binocular period. When this problem is finally solved — all the ins and outs accounted for — the amount of time spent in problem solving will have easily eclipsed the total amount of time the girls actually spend using the binoculars. The impatient side of me wants to step in and offer suggestions or force a choice on these children. But I have seen this process work too many times to give up! With enough practice, this process goes on without me; the crew is learning to work through challenges diplomatically and with skilled negotiation. While it sounds cliche and trite, I am fully convinced that these skills are the foundations of lifelong peace! Furthermore, the beauty of the work of an early childhood educator is that I truly have all day to let this unfold. As long as it takes to let the children work authentically through this problem, my work is to be present and scaffold the negotiations. I feel a surge of giddiness as we near a solution. It is working again!!
Simone: [to Addie] “You can use the peanut butter blocks? And jump on the mattress?”
This is a new favorite past-time. Choosing blocks with rubber balls or metal caps inside provides a truly unique jumping experience that all of the kids enjoy. A smile spreads over Addie’s face. Simone throws the pig into the deal, and it’s settled.
Addie: “Yeah!”
Me: “How long will your turn take, Simone?”
Simone: “Three minutes.”
Me: “Addie, how does that sound? Does that work for you?”
Addie: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay. I’ll set the timer for three minutes.”
As you can imagine, Simone was finished with her turn before the three minutes was up. We usually agree on a time limit, mostly because it helps me remember to follow through with the evaluation phase of the problem solving process, but we rarely need the timer to prompt an exchange. Usually, friends who disagree, yet persist peacefully and assertively through a problem emerge on the other side full of hopeful optimism. It works! The process of negotiating differences, holding strongly to one’s own wishes and desires while respectfully hearing and accommodating those of a friend builds stronger bonds of relationship. We told the story of this successful problem solving experience over snack time. Remembering successes raises confidence in the process.
You see, it starts with binoculars, but it is really not at all about binoculars. It is about learning the skills to advocate for one’s self while making room for the needs of those in the community. And it really is the way to peace.
Addie, showing off the peanut butter blocks and her favorite stuffed animal.
Simone, using the binoculars.
Emily, I learn something every time I read your posts. You are an immensely talented woman and I thank you for sharing with us!
Simply brilliant. Because of your example this children will undoubtedly experience an abundant life!
I was wondering if I could have your permission to include this blog posting in a newsletter I send out to the staff of the Davenport area Head Start staff. I have found your blog through Tessa Amato and think it’s just full of great ideas! I would of course give credit to you.
I would be honored! Please include the full article, or send me a shortened version to peek at before you print it. Also, could you include my blog address when you credit me? (Emily Plank/Educator, Trainer/More at abundantlifechildren.wordpress.com) or something of the sort? I’m so glad you found this helpful!! 🙂 Have a great Monday!
This article seals the deal. This is my new favorite blog 🙂 I have been so frustrated and un-inspired lately. You give me hope in motherhood! (This from someone who wishes she could have a family without having to do the raising small children part…)
Thank you so much! This post was actually just printed in a newsletter for providers in the area. And I totally get the “motherhood without the small children” part – this phase of development is not for the faint of heart, especially when you are committed to the long goals for children…it can mean some challenging interactions moment to moment! You can subscribe if you want to get emails when I post something new. 🙂 I am totally honored to be your new favorite blog. 🙂
Found your blog through Julie Southern and then saw the Pepperdine connection. I remember Ezra. Perhaps I would remember you too if I knew your maiden name or saw a picture. Anyway, this is a great article and encouragement to help my kids problem solve. I’ve got to read this again before the next conflict so I’m more prepared. Do you sing that song to the tune of anything or made up your own tune?
On the About Emily link on the homepage, there are a couple of pictures — my maiden name is Schackmann…Ezra graduated a few years ahead of me, so we didn’t necessarily overlap.
I’m so glad you found me! For me, singing totally works to keep me focused and emotionally dis-engaged (allowing me to be fully present with all of *my* problem solving awareness in place). My tune is one I made up. If you are musically oriented, and if you wanted to play it on the piano, it would go something like this:
C-D-E-F- (quarter notes…”I see friends who…”)
G-A-G-A-G-E (eighth notes…”need to solve a problem…the ‘lem’ on problem is actually a quarter note)
F-G-F-G-F-D (same pattern as above)
G-A-G-A-G-E
G-F-D-E-C (“How Can I Help…the “how” spans the G and the F)
I don’t know if this helps at all. I know just enough music theory to be a little dangerous, but possibly not enough to truly capture the music across state lines. 🙂 Let me know if you have any success! I’d love to share any stories you have.
Hi Emily! I found your article through Sherah Campbell and happened to see Kari Coppinger’s comment about finding you through Julie Southern. Love the Pepperdine connections! I have a 21 month old and he has really started acting out recently. He throws things, especially when he has been told “no.” I love your ideas, but I’m wondering how you do this when a child can’t communicate yet. I think that is a big part of my son’s problem…getting frustrated because he can’t say what he wants. Anyway, I’ve tried lots of different things, but he seems stuck in these “terrible twos.” Would love you hear your thoughts!
Hi Jill! I know…small world!! 🙂 For children who don’t have verbal language yet, I work to teach them signs to get their needs met. I have two social/emotional signs I use with pre-verbal kids. The first is “please can I have it?” which is just a hand outstretched, palm up, and pointing to the open palm with the pointer finger of the other hand. (Does that make sense?) When I walk up to a 1 year old and say, ‘please can I have it?’ they will usually put whatever object it is in my hand. We play a little back and forth game as they learn how to ask for what they need. The other sign is “space, please” for kids when they need distance. Think of a traffic officer saying “stop” – palm outstretched towards the person you need space from.
Anyway, while these two signs might not help with the throwing and the tantruming when a child hears “no”, the child will begin to internalize the notion that they have ways to communicate – and it seems that lack of communication is at the heart of the two year old strong emotional reaction.
Beyond the preventative signing to help a child find a pre-verbal voice, in the moment, I try to follow a pattern: connect, hold a limit, provide an option. When a child throws something, I might say, “Wow. You are really feeling (mad/angry/frustrated/strongly). I can’t let you throw that block. Blocks hurt. You can throw this ball of socks.” or “Wow. You are really feeling angry. I feel angry when my milk spills, too. I’ll sit with you while you feel angry and keep you safe.” or “I can see you are really upset. I would be upset to have to leave the park, too. I wish we could stay longer. I can’t let you throw rocks, because it’s not safe. I will hold your hand while we leave.” Often, our kids just need us to verbalize what they’re feeling and honor the difficulty of whatever it is. When we do this, the struggle usually subsides.
I don’t know if this is helpful. I’m glad you stopped by! 🙂 Emily
Can you please help me figure out how to implement something like this with my kids? Currently they are 4yrs months and just turned 2. My 4yo would be able to figure it out ok but my 2yo isn’t quite there yet. Thanks!
New to your blog. I found the link from a Parenting on Track FB post. Love this! I especially appreciate your concrete examples of how to navigate life with children. This post in particular made me laugh out loud because i have been there with my three & five year-old daughters! Thank you so much for your balanced and thoughtful posts.