Recently, I was doing some work with my dear friend, Kelly Matthews, thinking about the challenge that families and educators feel at this time of year with children who feel the pain of good-byes.
We were talking about typical approaches to separation anxiety, and talked of using toys when children are sad…like this:
The family leaves, the child cries, the care provider brings a toy or shakes a rattle:
“You’re okay. Mommy will be back soon. Don’t cry. Come over here and let’s play with this BIG TOWER! WOW! Look at all this COOL ART!” Think sing-songy voice, raised eyebrows, exaggerated smile…
Kelly made a really insightful comment. She said:
Toys serve as emotional distractions, and if children don’t learn to manage strong emotional feelings when they are young in healthy ways, what things will substitute for toys as children grow up?
I called her to talk in more detail about this idea, and with her permission, I transcribed our conversation.
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Kelly: First, I have to say that this idea has developed over years of practice and thought, influenced by Magda Gerber and Haim Ginott. I don’t recall exactly where the idea started, but I believe it was through their work.
Years ago, I was working in Iowa City in a Head Start program. A new child came to us and started with us for the first time (transition #1). His parents were in the middle of a divorce (transition #2). And if that wasn’t enough transitions at one time, his home had just burned down (transition #3).
At drop off every morning, he would cry, and we would talk. One day, I didn’t try to make him do anything. I didn’t distract him from what he was feeling. I simply asked him if he would like to sit by the window and watch for his mom and dad to come back. He said yes. Our classroom was on the second story, and sitting by the window, he could see the parking lot. I got him a chair and he sat there all day.
It felt inauthentic to have him to anything else. To try and lure him over to the art corner to paint. To have him playing with toys or reading books. What could possibly be more important for this little boy than to sit and watch for the most important person in his life to come back?
Emily: What a moment. How powerful.
Kelly: Children who feel big feelings when their loved ones leave are in need. What happens when we use toys to distract children is that they feels like no one understands them. When kids don’t feel understood, they feel unimportant. Like we don’t know their big sadness.
Emily: It also must feel so scary. Like the powerful adults in their lives are oblivious to their sorrow.
Kelly: But that’s the thing. Adults are not oblivious. They know exactly what’s going on. They see the tears, the clenched fists, and the sorrow, but they do exactly the opposite. They try to entice children with toys or shake rattles or try to end the crying as soon as possible. Those acts of trying to calm children by distracting them from their sorrow, in effect, is communicating to them that what they are feeling is not happening.
Truthfully, we know that they are upset. We see it. And yet we act like the opposite is happening. We act like upset children are giving us cues that they are ready to play when it is clear that they are not at all ready to play.
Emily: It seems to me like one of the hallmarks of American parenting (and I say “American” parenting because my experience with other cultures is limited enough that I don’t know what this looks like in other cultures) is the desire to pacify the crying. Like our gauge for knowing if a child is fine is if they are not crying. In reality, when we distract a child from their strong emotions when their loved ones leave, we may be removing the crying, but we are not actually helping a child find emotional balance. If anything, we are teaching the child to connect with things that help disengage.
Kelly: We are modeling disengagement at their most vulnerable times.
Emily: So what do you do? How do you connect with a child who is crying?
Kelly: First, stop telling children that they are okay. One of the most common things to say to crying children is “Shhh…you’re okay.” The fact is that they are not okay. They are crying. Instead, help them begin to find language for their strong emotions.
Start by sportscasting their physical experience: “I see that you are crying. Your fists are really tight and your face is red.”
Next, offer a guess as to why they are upset. Often, we have a pretty clear idea: “You are sad because your Daddy had to leave.”
Then, offer a moment of connection: “I hear you. It’s hard to leave the ones we love.”
Last, suggest a tool to help mitigate the strong feelings: “Is there something that I can do that would help you feel comforted?”
- “Would you like me to sit beside you?”
- “Would you like a cool washcloth for your face?”
- “Would you like to read a book together?”
- With older children, I would ask, “Would you like to be left alone for a little bit? I will come and check on you in a moment to see if you are okay?”
Tom Hunter talked of relationship building. He used the term “keeping company” to mean sitting with a child without distracting the child. I really connect with this phrase. We have the power to affirm a child’s emotional experience through presence.
I don’t like the term separation anxiety and instead, look for ways to help children feel connected, both with their families and with the community in their care settings.
Emily: We don’t distract children when they are sad about their families leaving, because it’s okay—normal!— to be sad when loved ones go away. That sorrow is a sign of connection. I am sad when I am away from my loved ones, but I have lots of years of experience of knowing how that separation will resolve. Children are still learning what to expect.
As we model healthy reactions to the emotional pain of leaving, we affirm for children that their sorrow is real and important, and they learn to honor it, too.
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Kelly Matthews is the owner of A Place for You Consulting in Oshkosh, WI, loves the playful mindfulness of improvisation, promotes experiential learning & adores combining these two passions in her innovative offerings of professional development around the country. She can be reached at .
Kelly has also contributed several other pieces on my blog in the past. See them here, or here, or here.
Such a powerful message for me today as my 3 year old goes through transitions at a new school and new before-care. He’s been crying when I leave him anywhere but in his classroom but somedays he has to go in early and that’s when it’s tough. Thank you for posting this today.
Reblogged this on Montessori in Vienna, Austria.
Thank you!
I really appreciate this post. My son is almost 2 and has a hard time when one of us leaves. We are exploring PT day care and I am scared of how he will adjust to that transition. What do you recommend we do when we drop them off at a facility when others will be caring for him?
Wauw…. First time I see such an approach to this situation when parents leave. Personally, me as a mother would cry, the whole way to my job, when I leave my toddler crying at the daycare when I leave.
How I wish that daycares here on my island would do this way.
When I have a child in my care that is very emotional when a carer leaves them it makes me teary too. I try to hold my emotions in but actually now I see that sharing them and acknowledging them maybe of benefit to that child. We can sit and wait or read together, sharing that emotion can help us bond. I’m going to give it a go at preschool this week. Thanks for the light bulb moment!!
Reblogged this on Essence of Child Caring and commented:
This is such an outstanding, respectful and authentic article. Thank you so much!
I am all for validating their sadness, and support the ideas at the end of sitting with the child and asking what would make them more comfortable. But, Suggesting that a the child sit by the window and wait for hours for their parents is such a cruel approach!
What the author, and many RIE supporters miss (in addition to moderation, that there is no one right way to raise all children and that every child has different needs) is that the toys and activities are not distractions. Helping children see that they can still have fun while their parents are away and encouraging them to try it is not brushing their pain aside or pretending it isn’t there-it is encouraging them to grow and see the positive side of their situation-an important life skill.
As far as not telling them that they are ok, I understand not wanting to the message that their pain isn’t real or valid and that you want them to be able to communicate their feelings, but there is a way to do that while reassuring a child that they are safe and that there are enjoyable opportunities that they can explore when they are ready.
The rigidity of this piece is just another example of how RIE enthusiasts take valid concerns and turn them into unhealthy extremes.
I agree that it is important to validate their feelings and that helping them feel safe in their new environment is extremely important. I do not feel that a child should be left to cry looking out a window all day. This does not teach how to appropriately cope will there feelings. Due to the fact that they are new to the school enviorment they may not know what skills to use to help thier selves. Using skills such as taking deep breaths together to calm or counting I feel would be more appropriate. Teaching the the child self regulation and forming a bond through engaging them in an activity that is to their liking would be be benificial. Helping them feel safe and not abandoned in dealing with the transition by just staring out a window. You could even present a social story to them. Using tools that promote learning and feeling safe in their new environment. We are talking about preschoolers who don’t recognize exactly what or why they are feeling the way they are. Help them identify how they feel and ways or things to feel better is a appropriate way in society to cope. Do not discount how they feel name there emotion and teach how to deal with it appropriately.
I enjoy this idea for separation anxiety and it’s related emotions, and will definitely use this when my son is older. He is only 11 month’s old though and cries when I leave for work and give him to his nanny. Is there a way to handle his feelings when we can’t communicate verbally yet? We do depend on soothe-talking and distraction.
I completely disagree with the idea that we are ignoring children’s feelings when we pacify or distract them when they are upset.
Stumbled upon this and love it.
So glad!
Reblogged this on Harper Donohue.